Unusual Social Situations and How to Cope with Them in the Maddest Way Possible Transport Your Mind - October 1999
Take something that happened last month for example; I was sitting peacefully on the bus as it ploughed along the wet grey roads, with five other people and a dizzy autumn wasp suffering some advanced state of self-denial and exhibiting symptoms of ADHD, so drunk from its prolonged post-nest consumption of apple juice that it was physically incapable of travelling in a straight line. As such I had a thick and heavy course book at the ready, so that should it decide to fly in circles anywhere near me, it would be soundly smashed over the head with two kilograms of Pure Maths differentiation and integration calculus; something that would also conveniently justify my refusal to go anywhere near the book for the rest of the evening. I transpired, however that I did not need to kill it, because having flown repeatedly into a broken ruler clutched by a seven year old boy, it changed its course, and flapped blindly in the direction of an elderly man wearing one of those flat cap hats. The man caught sight of it and swatted it with the cap, whereupon it stopped in mid air, plunged towards the ground, did the dambusters thing, and exploded violently right next to my seat. The man, satisfied with the result of his actions restored his hat and sat back in his seat. I watched the wasp warily, anticipating that it might yet fly up and sting me malevolently, and after a few minutes spent observing the creature as it lay completely still, I was paranoid. I was convinced that the wasp was alive and only playing dead in the errant hope that I would look away, so that it could mount its attack. Then suddenly, it moved and I panicked. On reflection, I can only imagine that this movement was attributed to the fact that the bus was rambling unsteadily along the uneven road. Still, I decided something had to be done, because I did not intend to be stung.. Unfortunately, being the nice, sweet animal lover that I am, I realised I didn't want to squash it and kill it. So I opted to secure it somewhere from where it could not escape to inflict its poisoned tail pain. I looked around for a glass to put over it. Sadly, your ordinary, every day minibus doesn't tend to carry a very big supply of glasses, and thus the plan seemed flawed. Finally, realising that I knew only one way that I might have some chance of successfully catching the wasp, I fished around in my bag for my pencil case. Looking down accusingly at the creature, still apparently squashed and finished...to the unaccustomed eye, I quickly scooped it up with my ruler and dropped it inside my pencil case, zipping it closed, lest the demon should try to escape. I then glanced apprehensively around the bus to make sure no-one had witnessed this manoeuvre, because I suppose it might have looked a bit odd, and I really didn't want them to think that I was weird. On the contrary, all five of them were staring at me in bemusement. In fact, I suspect that even the bus driver was watching events unfold from his rear view mirror. Panic stricken, I searched frantically for a way out...if not out of the bus, out of this awful predicament. Proving once and for all my unequalled talent in the art of improvisation, I came up with one excuse, which I voiced impulsively, "I...uh...collect them..." Naturally, they all continued to stare. Arriving
home, I upended my pencil case over the tidy garden, allowing the wasp
and everything else that dwelled therein to fall to earth, (including
a myriad of pencil shavings, it being a habit of mine to sharpen the aforementioned
into my pencil case, because I am usually too lazy to make the journey
to the bin.) Watching the wasp closely, I finally confirmed that it was,
to all intents and purposes, no longer a member of the Mortal Coil, as
in fact had been the case all along. I considered giving it a proper Christian
burial, but laughed at the absurdity of this, because I am an agnostic
and more importantly, it was raining. |